is your mom at the bar?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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