New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
