I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
