I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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