i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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