just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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