So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
