If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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