I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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