you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
