I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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