You just made me feel so damn special
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
