How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
