You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
they call him Oral-B. enough said
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
