Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
