shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
