got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
