Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
