I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
