Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
