I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
