eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
