I'm jealous of your bromance
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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