So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
