I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
