good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
