theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
