i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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