I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
