How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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