she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
