Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
