Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
