woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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