hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
