My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
