So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My liver just had a heart attack.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
