Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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