I haven't been this sober since birth.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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