Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
