I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
