; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
