My entire life is one complicated drinking game
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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