I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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