I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
