You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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