I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
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We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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