Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
