I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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