I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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