Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
