My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
When are your genitals available?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
