I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
