We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
