Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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