No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
