you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.