Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.