I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my being single is dangerous.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I am available for nakedness
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
