summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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