Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
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Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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