I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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