when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
now i know why i became what i already was.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
