no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
