is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
