I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
