his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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