fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
